Thanksgiving.

Okay, so instead of repeating my insane family filled week a million times, I'm just going to blog it out. Haha.

To backtrack, it's not only Thanksgiving, but my Great grandma's 90th birthday, so that's why this year was such a big deal. I mean last year, I ate taco bell in my room by myself last thanksgiving, which was actually pretty nice. Anyways but for this year, everyone on my mom's side came into town, and I mean everyoneeeeeeeee.

The past couple weeks, people have been coming into town and staying at my house, mostly the people who live in Taiwan, so since last weekend, my room has no longer been mine :[ My aunt nicole and my uncle david are in my room, my great aunt is in my brothers room, my great uncle was on a mattress in my living room, and my uncle, his wife & their 9 month old baby Howie were in the bonus room. Now Howie and his parents are at a hotel and I've upgraded to the mattress in the living room rather the couch in the family room. In any case however, I have no room, so I am awoken at the crack of dawn by old folks coming out of their rooms being very loud (especially my grandmother) to eat breakfast and such. I get no sleep, and I keep trying to just lie and close my eyes for a few more hours before having to get up and quickly move my stuff and mattress all out of the way so no ones knows I sleep here and our house is a mess. Sigh, the life of the dutiful granddaugther.

Things didn't really start happening, 'til wednesday when more family came into town. That night, the house was full, and at about 7 my grandma decides she wants fruit for everyone. So a few of us run over to costco and get the one unbroken watermelon that was there, 4 baby melons, a honeydew, 2 canteloupe, and a pineapple? Yeah idk, we just bought random fruit. This is just the beginning of the packed fridge.

Thursday was great grandma's birthday, and thanksgiving! yayyyyyy.
We had big trays of chinese food for lunch, plus a turkey. By the time we finished, there wasn't even a dent in it. We have serious leftovers. Part 2 of packed fridge. Then we got all dressed up to go to dinner... at some hole in the wall restaurant that was no good! And we were still full from lunch anyways. Part 3 of packed fridge.

Friday, we woke up to go around 9ish to Oakland, so we could take family pictures. We had to wait the longest time, and it was such a struggle with 5 kids ranging 2months to 7yrs. Especially Logan, he did not want to sit still. We had to bribe him with m&m's. Then we picked up mcdonald's on the way home, cus I already know I'm eating chinese food for the next week. Then we hung out at home for a bit, and then the cake came. OHMYGOSH. A full sheet, was A FULL SHEET. That thing weighed like 20 pounds. It feeds 70-80 people. Miscommunication. So yeah, part 4 of packed fridge. We had so much cake. Then after all my aunts and uncles saw the birthday video paolo made me and he stopped by so I introduced him, I went shopping for a couple hours before dinner, AGAIN. I got a big soft nemo, and a big tigger for my unborn baby cousin who will be born year of the tiger. Yay for black friday sales. I got home just in time to leave for dinner, and then we went to grand tapei in hayward for MORE chinese food. But we didn't order as much. This time it was for my great uncle bob's birthday. So yeah. A lot more details, a lot of family and hanging out that I could type, but I'm not justin and this was too much for me as it was. Oh yeah, and I keep hearing chinese in my head, maybe them all being around isn't too bad. OMG and i just had to mention i listened/ watched the ABC song both regular, in phonic, and asl versions on youtube like a bajillion times, cus my baby cousin logan who's obessesed with ABC's insisted on watching it. And I just couldn't deny that little cutie!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

F & A, Em.

P.S. I cannot wait to see MS. JESSICA ANNE CHOY! i MISSED HER SOOOO MUCH!

Life's Little Moments

I don't know exactly what triggers it. The sudden impulse and inspiration I have to blog. I don't ever really feel like saying nothing; but I'm not sure if I ever really have anything to say. I don't feel like I do once the words leave my mouth. Or the letters leave the keyboard. But yeaah, I'm unsure of a lot of things. I kinda think now it might be healthy to blog. I feel like it makes me think; like really think about what I want to say about my life, and myself. I don't wanna spend my whole present recounting the past, so I really just type what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. Life's been okay so far I guess, as good as it has been in a while. School's just blahh, but I have to buckle down for midterms. Clearly you can see how that's working right now x[ Haha. Sighh. But yeaah; I'm happy that all the birthdays and anniversary's are over, cus planning Paolo and Terry's last month were soooo stressful and time consuming. And bank breaking x[ But it was worth it to give them really great memories. Chrissy's birthday was this week, and we had fun going to dinner and having co-ed game night; so even though it wasn't anything elaborate, I think he still had a great birthday, so I'm glad. Still, there's ghemie's birthday next week, and then Halloween the week after that. But she's got her bday all planned out already, so there's just Halloween to deal with. Ahh. It sooo doesn't even feel like October. College makes it feel like life is just everlasting singular days that continue and continue. Nothing special; nothing different. Hrmm.. this weeks been interesting. I have mixed feelings about something big that's happened, and I dunno. I'll keep that to myself.

So this weekend... :]

We had girls & guys' game night! Whooo first ever. We played apples to apples and that game is SOOO Biased! It sucked. Haha; but still sooo hilarious. Maybe next week we should play monopoly. Cus strip 13 wasn't fun either. Haha. Still, we always have fun together no matter what we're doing. After all, we were at Ghemie's 'til like 11 something; got home right before midnight. Whooo, funtimes as always. Can you imagine if we all lived together in the city? Crazy fun 24/7! It'd get so annoying. x[ Hahahha. Then Kristel slept over again and after watching SYTYCD, we fell asleep. &&& Woke up to go to the mall @ 11 the next day.Chrissy, Me, Kristel, Ghemie & Arnold went to Valley Fair before dropping Kristel back @ SC, and Arnold bought jeans. He wants me to mention that; and that I picked them out. Idk Anywaysss... I am thankful that every week, as jam packed and stressful as they are, there's never a dull moment with my friends. You guys are stupid and exhausting, but it's so much fun just driving around laughing with you guys. & Kristel, we miss you at SC...sometimes. & we feel bad for leaving you there alone with all the white people O.o Alright, goodnight blogspot.

F&A Em.

Life goes on.

Success! Paolo's surprise party went as well as it possibly could considering I am the one who planned it, haha. I haven't had such a good record with past planning.. anything. But good thing I started terry and paolo's like 2 months ago almost. But yeah, all goood. I miss the davis kids already &&&&& the cal poly kids of course, and jessica-essica too. And if I'm being totally honest, I semi-miss kristel. But she's here, and I'll see her at least once a week. I guess I'm just getting used to the idea that logan's not coming back into session; we're not all gonna meet up in the caf or in the 200's or even in the hallways anymore. All I have is the image of them in my head, the photos on facebook, and the occasional webcam session. But school's got me so exhausted mostly cus I'm starting to lose interest already, plus yoga, whatever other things I'm planning/ doing, and now I don't get to sleep in on saturdays cus I have dictation work, =[ boo. I miss sleep. I'm starting to get headaches from lack of it, that makes me nervous. Anyways, let's see what else is going on... I haven't started writing my dreams down yet cus I haven't figured out where to write them; but I should soon, cus my dreams are getting crazier. There's peace in my life, but I feel drama creeping up around the corner. I vent in small bursts, on here, and to close friends, but it's still there. Finding the right moment to strike. I just have these small little things in my head, little thoughts, and I feel terrible for thinking them, but they bother me. At least I'm not the only one, but still, I just wish I could move past it. I wish he would stop being such a hypocrit if he's gonna cut me out of his life, but whatever. Fine. Don't give a shxt about me, just please don't pretend it's because of her. To be honest, I'm not even mad at her, I'm mad at you. Cus I realize, this isn't her fault at all. You let this happen, and what's worse, you didn't even change for the better, you only changed how you are with me. But now you're not better for her, or for me. You're just a hypocrit who cut me out to please someone else, but really, it's only a matter of time before she discovers who you really are. And if you really took stock in your life, you'd see that I'm telling you the truth and you're just in denial, and you're hiding things from her that you shouldn't. Hiding things that have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. I honestly can't believe this is who you are, who you want to be. It makes me really sad to fight for you; but I'm done. It's over, if this is how you want it to be, then that's how it will be. I don't need you to feel like I have someone. You're just another one of them. Another one to burn me and run; you can go in the corner with the rest of them, cus I don't need you. If you don't care how I feel, if you don't care about me, then I dont want to care about you. And I may not be able to get what I want from you, but I'll damn sure get what I want from me. I have more important people to take care of.

On a more positive note..

Things have been looking up lately. Things aren't necessarily better or worse, but they just are. And that's how life is. This whole year I sort of accepted how things would be, that distance would put a strain on a lot of my friendships, but the important ones I would try to keep in contact with. I've been really bummed as you can see from previous blogs about people leaving, and just in general about how my friendships have been going. I guess I always tell myself, with the loss of one friend comes a better-ance? of another. Haha. But now I've sort of fallen into this routine of school, and it's already been a month. Plus some friends have already moved away, and I find that my world isn't crashing to the floor. I'm okay.

I think the best way to put it is what I "learned" in astronomy today, Newton's 3rd law of motion; "With every action, there is a an equal and opposite reaction". So while it may get harder to keep in touch with those I've grown close to over the past four years, the ones that are still here, are still here. And at this point in time, I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure I reminisce on the good ol' days when it seems now that I had everything going for me, but in truth I know there were bad times back then too. I am truly grateful and happy that I'm so close with the girls now. I never laugh harder in my life. If I was super old, I'd say they make me feel young again :] But seriously, I'm not gonna call it a trade, it just is what it is. And my friends are my friends, some "forever" because that's just how we fit; you can't force it. The others are for the time being, and that's just how it's going to be. And it's okay. No more overanalyzing, and no more what ifs. Just live right now, cus no matter what, what's done is done, and all you can do is move forward. Forward doesn't mean away, but you have to move. Quit sitting there waiting for change to happen and live your life.

I really believe the goal for happiness is just that, a goal. That will never be reached, because happiness is just a flickering moment that you have to capture before it flies by. But if you don't even reach out your hand, you'll never seize it. You have to fight for it, be vulnerable and go after what you want, even if it's only for a little while. Cus that's what makes going through all this other crap worth while. Being happy, just for a while. And then it's back to the crap, just so you know what's waiting for you if you ever get there again. And you will.

I always feel like I'm rambling, and suddenly I get caught in this web of words, on this wave of emotions I didn't really know I felt. But at the time, it makes sense to me. And maybe all my sentences, and paragraphs don't go together in a neat little package, but it makes sense to me. So here comes some random "what I did today stuff" even though it changes the complete mood of the blog; I did say "on a more positive note"...

So, I've been having really weird dreams all summer. And I think I'm going to start writing them down in a journal, just so I can look back and be like wtf? And yeah, I think it's a good idea :] My most recent dream included an upstairs trader joe's kinda thing where you had to hold onto a swirling ladder for hella flights just to get to the top. I'll put more details into my journal :D But yeah. Oh yeah, so at school, Terry made fun of me for the first time! Cus we got swooped on a table in the morning, so at lunch I speedily walked to a table, but passed an empty one I guess, and Terry was like Em? And I was like whoops. And then he was like "Did you see that weird girl fast walking?" And I was like OMG you made fun of me! And then I hit him :] It was funny. I was suprised yet proud at the same time. And on bart on the way home, there was feather head man! He was dressed in hella ponchos with facepaint on his.. face -.- Haha and a feather in his teeny pony tail, surrounded by baldness. And he had a huge stomach, I think he was hiding and eagle in there! Monica disagrees =[ But yeah, and on the way home from yoga today, there must've been something weird in our milk teas, cus we [especially me] were very super hyper. Apparently Ghemie sneaked us some of her "good shxt" from Berkeley. Haha. But yeah, there goes my first "What did Em do today" Post, ahah. I hope you enjoyed it, although I cut a lot out, and shortened it to the gist of the funny parts. Maybe I'll do better next time. Time for econ hmwk, goodnite world!


F&A

Em

The Crew: updated 8/31

For my crew, my best friends, my larger than life family. To each of you who have helped shape me into the person I am today good and bad, I want to say thank you for allowing me some of life's experiences. I'm not sure how many of these I'll get to tonight, but I guess reminiscing made me think of some thing I wanna make sure I say before I forget.

To Gabriel Nguyen: Thank you. I don't give you enough credit, but you were the first to change my life. Back in middle school when I essentially lost my friends, you allowed me into yours. Freshman year, you brought me in, and I feel like out of all the people who have added in after me, I personally felt like the transition was so easy. I have you to thank for that. I never would have had all these wonderful people in my life, if it weren't for you. Who knows who I'd be friends with right now if it wasn't for you? Gabe, you saved me.

To Jessica Anne Choy: You're such an amazing person. Honestly, you inspire me to be better. Because you're not perfect, you have flaws that can lead to downfalls. But it's the way you overcome, the way that you're actually human and not fake, that really inspires me. No one has a bad thing to say about you, because you're selfless. You really do what's best for everyone else first, and you take hits in stride. You entrusted me with your faults and fears, and I just feel so blessed to have you in my life. Jess, you're my hero.

To Ryan-James Javier: You're a lover and a fighter. That's you. You love and you spread joy with your smile and your laugh. You truly care, sometimes too much. I always feel so much happiness just being in your presence. && you're a blackbelt! Wow. Haha. And like that and everything you do, you work hard. I admire your perseverance and your determination in being better. I'll always miss your warm smiles, and warm hugs. Ryan, you warm my heart.

To Lincy L Han: You're so true. You're honest about who you are, and don't hide it. Maybe for a while, but you still let it out eventually. I used to wonder what you were really like, behind all the sweetness. And I've come to find over the past 4 years, that behind the sweetness, is just more love. You give so much to make everyone else happy, but you truly do it because you want to. I'm am so, so happy to have you in my life. Lincy, you are so beautiful, inside and out.

To Aniq Masood: You've been such a wonderful friend, and I'm so glad these past years have brought us closer. The time away from the bigger half of the group during our lunch period, allowed me the time to get to know you better. I will always treasure that. That and the time we struggled through physics and english. Haha. You're always there to help out. Your silly and entertaining, but still respectful and cool. Aniq, you are the ultimate unique combination of sophisticated and cool.

To Amy May Tran: You are so entertainingly strange, in a hilarious sort of way. When we get the full Amy effect, I always know we're in for a good time. Since 2nd grade, we've had interesting memories to say the least. From your guinea pig biting my finger, to "crazy fun" girl time, you're always a blast. But what I'll remember most about you, is how you care so much about your friends. So much so, that you actually empathize with them and get emotional with them. I won't go so far as to say I envy that, cus my eyeliner would run a LOT. Haha, but I do feel very priveleged to know that myself, and the entire group has someone so wonderful always looking out for them. Amy, you make me feel like in the worst of times, I have someone who will care about me.

To Justin Lacsamana Penalosa: I will never forget you. You have definitely left your mark in the 4 years of my life. You've made me laugh, and you've made me cry, in every sense of the word. I've gone from being hated by you, to being best friends with you, to falling for you, to hating you, and back again. But if at some point in the past few years I didn't have some kind of strong feeling towards you, then it's probably cus I wasn't speaking to you. You always leave me feeling something. Justin, you have changed my life.

To Chiu Ho "Alex" Chan: You're such a puzzle to me. The way you handle situations and let things just roll right off your back, I totally wish I could do that. Never holding any hateful grudges, or allowing feelings to affect how I live my life. You just seem so at calm with your life. Sometimes you remind me of a kid who's still learning just how the world works, but still somehow retaining some sort of innocence. I just think that's way cool. I love that about you, cus that's what makes it so easy to talk to you about anything. It's like you don't have a care in the world. I think I may miss you most of all when you leave. Chiu, you are the best worst husband, I'll ever have. =]

...

I'm not even sure what to say except.

Your junior year yearbook entry. 4 pages of amazing.

What happened?


....

F&A

For you, who has always listened, until now..

I really haven't blogged since like Kristel's cotillion which was like a whole summer ago basically, and lots have been going on since then. I don't think I'm the type to keep up with my day to day events, documenting everything. Sometimes I try thinking of the future so I document the present so I can look at the past later. Like when I steal cameras or use my clunky one to record all our little weird moments. What I wouldn't give to see just one lunch period freshman year, when we were all so different. When school was different. When it seemed like everything was too complicated, and we couldn't wait for the next part, the better part. It's really cruel how we don't realize how good we have it until it's gone. Through all the definite scarring heartache, Junior year could possibly constitute the best year of my life. If I'm being dramatic. Haha. But seriously, there have been so many times this year that I wish I could go back and stay there forever. But like I'm learning in econ, although I've already learned this at Logan -.- scarcity means, that too much of a good thing means less of another. So I guess Senior year should be my favorite, and I guess it kinda was, I made so many memories that I'll never forget. And truly, has made me realize what I had, what I have. And how to work hard to keep it. So back to the idea of scarcity, I realize that yeahh I really do miss the good old days. PYTJ and all that, and it really does bum me out how that's pretty much disintegrated. That's actually who this blog is for, one letter in particular. But I know I wasn't close with the girls last year. I mean me and Ghemie have always been friends more on than off I'd like to think; at least in high school. But kristel and mon, just kinda sorta, in the "hey they're the other girls in the group, but I always hang out with the guys cus girls cause drama kind of way" haha. No offense. Now us 4 have really gotten close, and I can see us being friends for a lifetime. Or at least 'til we hit our 30's ;] haha. So I guess it's all about opportunity cost. What is my next best alternative that I'm giving up at the benefit of being close to the girls? I guess the boys. Which really sucks, but it seems to me that when the guys all got their girls, they chose them as the benefit, and I'm just the next alternative. I'm sure I wasn't around really at the beginning of my relationship, and I kinda couldn't help it? I mean I was making conscious choices but I really didn't realize just how much damage I was doing to us. I didn't realize there was more I could do to balance. I'm really sorry guys. I shouldn't have put you guys on the back burners like that. But no offense, at least I left you on the stove, ya know. I mean I'm really happy for you guys and your relationships etc, but where does that leave me? I mean I know I can't be the center of your universe, but can I at least be a little satellite or something? Like all my analogies and stuff? Don't I sound all college-y? See I can blog about college without actually doing it; multitasking woot.

But back to the main point of the blog that I guess I never really got to yet. I really miss you guys. And I guess I've been too consumed in my own life and stuff to really appreciate you guys for being in my life. I keep feeling like it's too late, but really time can change things. If all of a sudden we were all dropped on an island together forever things would be different. But unfortunately.. Justin, you're going to cal poly. Terry you're with me, but you're not.. And Yuk, I don't even know where you are. I just decided I wanna say a little something to everyone, but that's for another day, cus I don't wanna make this entry ridiculous long and I wanna make sure I say something to each of them before they leave. But for this one...

For you who has always been there (even when I didn't want you to be) but now you haven't been here in forever:

I miss you. I always tell you I don't, but that's only cus you've dropped off my radar. I don't remember who you are anymore. You were already a different person before you met her, before you changed into someone I was angry at. Angry for not being who I knew you to be, and more for not saying goodbye. Still, I'm not angry at you anymore. I don't know why, I guess too much time has passed for me to care. Still, I do care about you, and I know I do cus when I see you I think about what the conversation would be like if we actually talked about everything we didn't talk about. I never gave you one of those I can't believe you did this kind of speeches. I don't know why. I guess cus.. I think you already knew what I thought, cus you know me so well. Even today.

For you who has changed my life forever; being the true definition of my opposite, yet still completing me in some ways, somehow:

I hate you sometimes. Like most of the time really. Cus I can't figure out what this thing I feel for you is. It's something. Either I cut you out of my life and I feel grounded and I can breathe. But I feel bad, because you're not there anymore. But when you come back into my life, you make me feel terrible. I feel like nothing. So why do I still go back to you? I don't know really. Some weird cosmic magnet drawing me to you? I bet you'd like that. Gosh you're an idiot. Still.. there's something. And at times it has given me doubt. Doubt about my choices and doubt about myself. A part of me will always wish for something, not sure exactly what it is. But I really do believe that things are better this way, cus I like to breathe. And we're both content in life. So really what more is there to ask for? You're the yang to my yin; I feel like I need you, but we can't be one. I swear you ruin my life some days. [Sorry this was supposed to come out nicer, I'll make you a nice one next time. I guess I needed to get this out]

&& Finally, for my best friend; for you who has always listened, and more importantly always been the best friend I needed, but never the one I deserved:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you like you were for me. I'm sorry that I wasn't selfless like you were to me. I'm sorry that I can't be selfless now, when you need me to be. I'm sorry that beyond all my smarts and understanding, I can't seem to let this go. And I'm sorry that I'm holding on to this idea of a "best friend" when we're not. And one more thing, I'm sorry I couldn't love you in the way you deserved for all that you gave me. You were so my best friend, without me asking you to be. I never realized until now. Since the day we met, you've given me nothing but absolutely anything I wanted. I've been spoiled to say the least. If I had met anyone else the way I met you, guaranteed we would not still be friends today. Freshman year, I went through the biggest immature crisis ever when someone I had to deal with pushing away someone I was so close to. You were there for me, but I can't even think of a time I was there for you. After that experience I told you not to fall for me, just like from pretty much your favorite movie. And you sorta did anyways, and I'm sorry that I didn' t handle that better. I learned from my experience with Yuk, but I think I messed you up in a different way. I made you stick around like that for the longest time, and never gave you the space you needed for closure. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Especially about junior year, when I got so close to Justin that you sort of just faded out of the picture. You never complained, and what's even worse, neither did I. I should have. Senior year, you were just there. The sad thing is, you were there all year. And I didn't really see you there, acknowledge you being there, even realize it. Anyways.. I'm so sorry that I've done all this to you, and that now that I realize, I can't deal with you not being there. The idea of us not being the way we were, drives me crazy. And it hurts so much everytime I tell you these things, and you pretty much say nothing. I guess that's how you are, but I want more. I want before. I'm selfish and I want my best friend back, and this time I actually want it to be reciprocal. I've done a lot of thinking lately, and maybe the best friend you need right now needs to step away and let you be. I mean that's what you did for me right. I just don't know if I'm as strong as you. I dont know what I would do really if the guy I was in love with started dating my best friend. Anyways. I'm just really sorry for everything, and making your life harder. But honestly, I've been trying. I don't know how hard, but I have.. if I really wanted to be your best friend I would put you first right? I don't know.. I want to be selfless, but I don't know if I can. I try for a while, and then I get so angry that you don't even care. I mean I bxtch and bxtch and cry at random points in my day just to get out some of my frustration. I say something to you and I get butterflies in my stomach like I'm talking to a stranger who's about to tell me to go fxck off. I try and act lighthearted and all you do is bring me down with you're "uhm.. no it's okays" and you're "idks". I mean it really hurts me that you don't care at all. Maybe you do, but would it kill you to give me something? I know I'm asking too much, for you to do something that you don't, but could you try? I know I don't deserve it, but I've run out of things to do. I just don't want to lose you or let you go without a fight like I did with the afforementioned. I know it's a possibility that that's what I should do. But I don't want to right now. Not when I know what I know now. Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it. I'll bxtch and cry about it for a while, but I'll know that's what you want. If it'd be better for me to walk away, then I will, it'll hurt, but if it's what you need me to do right now; it's my turn to do right by you. What I really want, is to go back to when I could count on you, when I could turn to you without being judged, when I could suggest something, and we'd just do it; it'd be accpeted. When there was no convincing, or whining, or rejections. When I could be me. & I want you to be able to do the same. This is what I want more than anything, to have you care again and just be you. The you who didn't reject me so hard. Idunno. I'm rambling really. So what do you want?


F&A Em.

For Kristel.

Kristel Anne Reluya Racho's Cotillion is officially over.
After 4 months of LONG and STRESSFUL work, it's done. And to be perfectly honest, a part of me will miss it. Don't get me wrong, getting exhausted, and stressing over mess-ups, plus the always butting attitudes of people who think they're right I will not miss, but the forced weekly, sometimes daily bonding with my best friends are moments I wish would never end. Not to mention cappuccino after a tiring practice, yum! It's such a shocker that something like Kristel's [really belated] birthday party would affect me and so many of us so much. Not just our schedules, etc. But like really, as angry as I've gotten over the past 4 months about all the crap that was happening. It was all worth it for yesterday. To give her such an amazing gift, of feeling like a princess. I've honestly never been so envious of her. Last night, I could really feel the love, from the moment she walked into the ballroom, and the emotion hit me like a wave. I was truly happy for her, you'd think she was getting married. So we waltzed, and we tangoed, and we laughed and had fun. Then we cha-cha'd straight into the jive, straight into grabbing people from their seats and dancing the night away. My favorite moment though, was watching Kristel surprise video from her court, because even though it wasn't for me, or being said to me, all the wonderful things that was being said to her by the people that love her most was I don't know how to put it into words. It just reminded me, especially watching myself in the video, how through all the things that irk me about Kristel, she's a really amazing person. I meant every word in the video, because she truly is an amazing friend, and she really does just let things roll of her back. Things that would bother me for a long time, or things that would make other people just go well fck them then. But she's always positive, always willing to try and make others happy, and I really feel that in my worst of moods, she could bring the happy out in me. Cus how can you not with the cheer and joy that just radiates out of her always. Now I think, when it seems as though her huge personality is just too much to bear sometimes, it's not her, it's just my cynical, unhappy self, not enjoying life as she does. I'm so grateful to have her in my life, I will truly miss her while she's away at Santa Clara, and I don't think the world could ever stop her from 1,2,3 posing for the rest of her life. I'm so glad you enjoyed your birthday, you really do deserve it. I love you, Kristel Anne Reluya Racho. Happy Birthday.

Graduated

Wow, it's finally over. Is anyone else trippin' besides me? Let's reminisce on the past day, shall we?
Waking up early, getting ready for it all, still never really hitting me. I start off thinking it's going to be a terrible day because I'm already late. I get to school, get Ghemie the lei she wanted and run off into the hall to line up. Take a few pictures, take lots of videos, haha, and overall just try and make tons of memories for the first important day of our lives. It's time to walk, we're all more anxious, hungry, and tired than anything else, trying not to slip as it sprinkles above us. We walk in, try to find our relatives in the huge crowds surrounding us. There's so many people that they're standing in the walkways. Would that be considered a fire hazard? Anyways.. The graduation commences and there's a lot of talking and speeches that I probably won't remember ever again, but still I will remember my consistent welling up. Especially as the jazz choir sang "In my life" it was awesome. As if that song wasn't touching before, I will always remember my graduating class of '09 when I hear it. Now we're certified, and we walk up 3 by 3? to get our diploma [holders] Haha. And being that I'm in the first row, I'm prepared to return to my seat and watch all my friends go up their, old and new, and scream as loud as possible for them. But of course I could not go up their myself before crying and trying to regain some composure before that short 5 foot walk onto that stage. We're finally through, and I wasn't bored a second, because I was determined to capture every moment of what was happening. How I wish I could record the entire thing and replay it over and over. Now it's time to walk back out, I'm numb. And as I get my diploma and put it away I start bawling because it's just too much emotions I'm unaware of coming to the surface. I hug my friends knowing it won't be the last, but just knowing that I need to at the moment. I go with Kha to get my coat out of Gabe's locker, and my phone is missing, but I'm not freaked. I go out to Colt Court to find my family and take pictures, but I'm in a rush to find my friends at the big green. Finally when they let me go, I'm like the last to arrive in a swarm of red and black and cameras all around. It's like paparazzi. We take lots of pictures, make lots of memories, and go our separate ways to meet up again.. at Gabe's party! :] Which was lots of fun as always. Especially when we accidently crashed Mussie's party. Hahah. Playing taboo, getting super fat, and just chilling because we can, is just the way I would have expected up to celebrate our graduation. In my head, going back to the big green, we must have seemed like a huge group. I remember walking up to them as they were posing, trying to hurry up in my heels, and going holy cow look at all those people, haha. Hey, that's our group. Monica Ashley Macaldo, Ryan-James Ilano Javier, Ryan Jarcio San Miguel, Alejandro David Samaniego, Chiu Ho "Alex" Chan, Justin Lacsamana Penalosa, Jessica Anne Choy, Aniq Masood, Gabriel Thien Quoc Nguyen, Amy May Tran, Arnold Huynh, Terry Hong Hoac Chhour, Jamey Vargas Padojino, Anthony Antonio Ferrer, Christopher John Arboleda, Paolo Angelo Hinjojales Tacuyan, Ghemie Barrera Sangil, Christine Amylu Cruz, Kristel Anne Reluya Racho, Lincy L Han, Jorden Cheok- Wei Lam, Alex Kha, & Yuk Lun Andy Sum. How much I love each and every one of them. I wonder what we looked like to the outside, cus we really should have had pictures of us taking pictures, because it was crazy people with cameras. Parents, sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles and aunts, all supporting, and all either taking pictures, or standing by and smiling. One word to define our group among the many would definitely be crazy. Always. Still, I love every minute of it, and I'm not so sad anymore. I'm so excited actually, because our group through our ups and downs are as our Class President said about our class, "the biggest, the strongest, and the best". 100%. I will miss each and every one of them, because "In my life", I will never have deserved such wonderful friends as them, if only everyone was so lucky to find their soulmates in 23 very different people.

Forever & Always,
Em.

Butterflies

Graduation, is tomorrow.

Wow. Omg. Wtf. FML. Idk, my BFF Jill, Rose?
So many thoughts running through my mind that I feel like I'm not even thinking. Just unfocused. Mostly, I'm scared and nervous. I can still barely comprehend my feelings though. It's just surreal, I mean what am I supposed to feel? Someone please tell me, guide me. I know it's unrealistic, but it can't hurt to ask right? I feel like I've always done a lot of listening, not that I haven't done my share of talking as well, but I've listened, and always tried my best to give people good advice. Give them a real answer; that doesn't always tell them what they want to hear, but doesn't necessarily squash their spirit and thus any future conversations where they might want to confide in me. So tell me, me. What do I do now? How do I even begin to prepare for what the future holds? Should I look in the past and reminisce? Should I just keep on living each day as anew. Or will I just keep thinking of the future, planning and hoping. Neither I say? Then what? I don't know. No summing up this time, no answer for my unanswerable questions. Just this, my blurb of random thoughts before tomorrow. Before we walk across that stage thus leaving behind our old lives, and essentially starting a brand new one. So that's it, that's all I have. For now, until these butterflies fly me back down to earth..

F&A,
Em.

The First of Many

Graduation is in 2 days.

I'm so unprepared. Not just practically, but mentally and emotionally. Sure I still need to iron out my gown and figure out what I'm going to wear, charge my camera and upload pictures. But after 12 years of school, I can't believe I'm almost done. Never again will I walk out of class and find, reliably & regularly, my friends. Never again will they just be waiting for me at our usual table. Why didn't I realize sooner how precious these moments are, because they'll never come again. I truly envy those who live each day to the fullest, as if it were their last. Because for the past 18 years, I've been floating by, getting through one day at a time. Which brings me to another point, how I just realized that I've had "what ifs" floating in my head as long as I can remember. What if that had never happened, what if that had, would everything be different? I waste too much of my life wondering, life that I could've been using, could have been living. I''m going to try harder now. Still, I wish I knew little things would affect so much, like being laptop-less for so long leading to drifting friendships. That the decision to become better friends with the girls in the group would lead me to let my friendships with the guys fall between the cracks. I wish I could say that now things will be different, I'll be different. But there's really no to know for sure. I guess I'll try is all I can give; I just hope that it's enough. But if it's not, at least there's one thing I can guarantee, is that even if I can't make everything perfect, and I can't stay in touch with everyone, this is my effort to everyone. Whenever you wanna know what's up with me, you can come here, because I'll try my best to keep this updated, so you'll be updated, cus I want you to know that I miss you too. So here's to the upcoming summer, to a dreamer who will never stop dreaming, to the future and my friends, and the first of many long, long stories.

Forever & Always,
Em.