For you, who has always listened, until now..

I really haven't blogged since like Kristel's cotillion which was like a whole summer ago basically, and lots have been going on since then. I don't think I'm the type to keep up with my day to day events, documenting everything. Sometimes I try thinking of the future so I document the present so I can look at the past later. Like when I steal cameras or use my clunky one to record all our little weird moments. What I wouldn't give to see just one lunch period freshman year, when we were all so different. When school was different. When it seemed like everything was too complicated, and we couldn't wait for the next part, the better part. It's really cruel how we don't realize how good we have it until it's gone. Through all the definite scarring heartache, Junior year could possibly constitute the best year of my life. If I'm being dramatic. Haha. But seriously, there have been so many times this year that I wish I could go back and stay there forever. But like I'm learning in econ, although I've already learned this at Logan -.- scarcity means, that too much of a good thing means less of another. So I guess Senior year should be my favorite, and I guess it kinda was, I made so many memories that I'll never forget. And truly, has made me realize what I had, what I have. And how to work hard to keep it. So back to the idea of scarcity, I realize that yeahh I really do miss the good old days. PYTJ and all that, and it really does bum me out how that's pretty much disintegrated. That's actually who this blog is for, one letter in particular. But I know I wasn't close with the girls last year. I mean me and Ghemie have always been friends more on than off I'd like to think; at least in high school. But kristel and mon, just kinda sorta, in the "hey they're the other girls in the group, but I always hang out with the guys cus girls cause drama kind of way" haha. No offense. Now us 4 have really gotten close, and I can see us being friends for a lifetime. Or at least 'til we hit our 30's ;] haha. So I guess it's all about opportunity cost. What is my next best alternative that I'm giving up at the benefit of being close to the girls? I guess the boys. Which really sucks, but it seems to me that when the guys all got their girls, they chose them as the benefit, and I'm just the next alternative. I'm sure I wasn't around really at the beginning of my relationship, and I kinda couldn't help it? I mean I was making conscious choices but I really didn't realize just how much damage I was doing to us. I didn't realize there was more I could do to balance. I'm really sorry guys. I shouldn't have put you guys on the back burners like that. But no offense, at least I left you on the stove, ya know. I mean I'm really happy for you guys and your relationships etc, but where does that leave me? I mean I know I can't be the center of your universe, but can I at least be a little satellite or something? Like all my analogies and stuff? Don't I sound all college-y? See I can blog about college without actually doing it; multitasking woot.

But back to the main point of the blog that I guess I never really got to yet. I really miss you guys. And I guess I've been too consumed in my own life and stuff to really appreciate you guys for being in my life. I keep feeling like it's too late, but really time can change things. If all of a sudden we were all dropped on an island together forever things would be different. But unfortunately.. Justin, you're going to cal poly. Terry you're with me, but you're not.. And Yuk, I don't even know where you are. I just decided I wanna say a little something to everyone, but that's for another day, cus I don't wanna make this entry ridiculous long and I wanna make sure I say something to each of them before they leave. But for this one...

For you who has always been there (even when I didn't want you to be) but now you haven't been here in forever:

I miss you. I always tell you I don't, but that's only cus you've dropped off my radar. I don't remember who you are anymore. You were already a different person before you met her, before you changed into someone I was angry at. Angry for not being who I knew you to be, and more for not saying goodbye. Still, I'm not angry at you anymore. I don't know why, I guess too much time has passed for me to care. Still, I do care about you, and I know I do cus when I see you I think about what the conversation would be like if we actually talked about everything we didn't talk about. I never gave you one of those I can't believe you did this kind of speeches. I don't know why. I guess cus.. I think you already knew what I thought, cus you know me so well. Even today.

For you who has changed my life forever; being the true definition of my opposite, yet still completing me in some ways, somehow:

I hate you sometimes. Like most of the time really. Cus I can't figure out what this thing I feel for you is. It's something. Either I cut you out of my life and I feel grounded and I can breathe. But I feel bad, because you're not there anymore. But when you come back into my life, you make me feel terrible. I feel like nothing. So why do I still go back to you? I don't know really. Some weird cosmic magnet drawing me to you? I bet you'd like that. Gosh you're an idiot. Still.. there's something. And at times it has given me doubt. Doubt about my choices and doubt about myself. A part of me will always wish for something, not sure exactly what it is. But I really do believe that things are better this way, cus I like to breathe. And we're both content in life. So really what more is there to ask for? You're the yang to my yin; I feel like I need you, but we can't be one. I swear you ruin my life some days. [Sorry this was supposed to come out nicer, I'll make you a nice one next time. I guess I needed to get this out]

&& Finally, for my best friend; for you who has always listened, and more importantly always been the best friend I needed, but never the one I deserved:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you like you were for me. I'm sorry that I wasn't selfless like you were to me. I'm sorry that I can't be selfless now, when you need me to be. I'm sorry that beyond all my smarts and understanding, I can't seem to let this go. And I'm sorry that I'm holding on to this idea of a "best friend" when we're not. And one more thing, I'm sorry I couldn't love you in the way you deserved for all that you gave me. You were so my best friend, without me asking you to be. I never realized until now. Since the day we met, you've given me nothing but absolutely anything I wanted. I've been spoiled to say the least. If I had met anyone else the way I met you, guaranteed we would not still be friends today. Freshman year, I went through the biggest immature crisis ever when someone I had to deal with pushing away someone I was so close to. You were there for me, but I can't even think of a time I was there for you. After that experience I told you not to fall for me, just like from pretty much your favorite movie. And you sorta did anyways, and I'm sorry that I didn' t handle that better. I learned from my experience with Yuk, but I think I messed you up in a different way. I made you stick around like that for the longest time, and never gave you the space you needed for closure. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Especially about junior year, when I got so close to Justin that you sort of just faded out of the picture. You never complained, and what's even worse, neither did I. I should have. Senior year, you were just there. The sad thing is, you were there all year. And I didn't really see you there, acknowledge you being there, even realize it. Anyways.. I'm so sorry that I've done all this to you, and that now that I realize, I can't deal with you not being there. The idea of us not being the way we were, drives me crazy. And it hurts so much everytime I tell you these things, and you pretty much say nothing. I guess that's how you are, but I want more. I want before. I'm selfish and I want my best friend back, and this time I actually want it to be reciprocal. I've done a lot of thinking lately, and maybe the best friend you need right now needs to step away and let you be. I mean that's what you did for me right. I just don't know if I'm as strong as you. I dont know what I would do really if the guy I was in love with started dating my best friend. Anyways. I'm just really sorry for everything, and making your life harder. But honestly, I've been trying. I don't know how hard, but I have.. if I really wanted to be your best friend I would put you first right? I don't know.. I want to be selfless, but I don't know if I can. I try for a while, and then I get so angry that you don't even care. I mean I bxtch and bxtch and cry at random points in my day just to get out some of my frustration. I say something to you and I get butterflies in my stomach like I'm talking to a stranger who's about to tell me to go fxck off. I try and act lighthearted and all you do is bring me down with you're "uhm.. no it's okays" and you're "idks". I mean it really hurts me that you don't care at all. Maybe you do, but would it kill you to give me something? I know I'm asking too much, for you to do something that you don't, but could you try? I know I don't deserve it, but I've run out of things to do. I just don't want to lose you or let you go without a fight like I did with the afforementioned. I know it's a possibility that that's what I should do. But I don't want to right now. Not when I know what I know now. Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it. I'll bxtch and cry about it for a while, but I'll know that's what you want. If it'd be better for me to walk away, then I will, it'll hurt, but if it's what you need me to do right now; it's my turn to do right by you. What I really want, is to go back to when I could count on you, when I could turn to you without being judged, when I could suggest something, and we'd just do it; it'd be accpeted. When there was no convincing, or whining, or rejections. When I could be me. & I want you to be able to do the same. This is what I want more than anything, to have you care again and just be you. The you who didn't reject me so hard. Idunno. I'm rambling really. So what do you want?


F&A Em.