The Crew: updated 8/31

For my crew, my best friends, my larger than life family. To each of you who have helped shape me into the person I am today good and bad, I want to say thank you for allowing me some of life's experiences. I'm not sure how many of these I'll get to tonight, but I guess reminiscing made me think of some thing I wanna make sure I say before I forget.

To Gabriel Nguyen: Thank you. I don't give you enough credit, but you were the first to change my life. Back in middle school when I essentially lost my friends, you allowed me into yours. Freshman year, you brought me in, and I feel like out of all the people who have added in after me, I personally felt like the transition was so easy. I have you to thank for that. I never would have had all these wonderful people in my life, if it weren't for you. Who knows who I'd be friends with right now if it wasn't for you? Gabe, you saved me.

To Jessica Anne Choy: You're such an amazing person. Honestly, you inspire me to be better. Because you're not perfect, you have flaws that can lead to downfalls. But it's the way you overcome, the way that you're actually human and not fake, that really inspires me. No one has a bad thing to say about you, because you're selfless. You really do what's best for everyone else first, and you take hits in stride. You entrusted me with your faults and fears, and I just feel so blessed to have you in my life. Jess, you're my hero.

To Ryan-James Javier: You're a lover and a fighter. That's you. You love and you spread joy with your smile and your laugh. You truly care, sometimes too much. I always feel so much happiness just being in your presence. && you're a blackbelt! Wow. Haha. And like that and everything you do, you work hard. I admire your perseverance and your determination in being better. I'll always miss your warm smiles, and warm hugs. Ryan, you warm my heart.

To Lincy L Han: You're so true. You're honest about who you are, and don't hide it. Maybe for a while, but you still let it out eventually. I used to wonder what you were really like, behind all the sweetness. And I've come to find over the past 4 years, that behind the sweetness, is just more love. You give so much to make everyone else happy, but you truly do it because you want to. I'm am so, so happy to have you in my life. Lincy, you are so beautiful, inside and out.

To Aniq Masood: You've been such a wonderful friend, and I'm so glad these past years have brought us closer. The time away from the bigger half of the group during our lunch period, allowed me the time to get to know you better. I will always treasure that. That and the time we struggled through physics and english. Haha. You're always there to help out. Your silly and entertaining, but still respectful and cool. Aniq, you are the ultimate unique combination of sophisticated and cool.

To Amy May Tran: You are so entertainingly strange, in a hilarious sort of way. When we get the full Amy effect, I always know we're in for a good time. Since 2nd grade, we've had interesting memories to say the least. From your guinea pig biting my finger, to "crazy fun" girl time, you're always a blast. But what I'll remember most about you, is how you care so much about your friends. So much so, that you actually empathize with them and get emotional with them. I won't go so far as to say I envy that, cus my eyeliner would run a LOT. Haha, but I do feel very priveleged to know that myself, and the entire group has someone so wonderful always looking out for them. Amy, you make me feel like in the worst of times, I have someone who will care about me.

To Justin Lacsamana Penalosa: I will never forget you. You have definitely left your mark in the 4 years of my life. You've made me laugh, and you've made me cry, in every sense of the word. I've gone from being hated by you, to being best friends with you, to falling for you, to hating you, and back again. But if at some point in the past few years I didn't have some kind of strong feeling towards you, then it's probably cus I wasn't speaking to you. You always leave me feeling something. Justin, you have changed my life.

To Chiu Ho "Alex" Chan: You're such a puzzle to me. The way you handle situations and let things just roll right off your back, I totally wish I could do that. Never holding any hateful grudges, or allowing feelings to affect how I live my life. You just seem so at calm with your life. Sometimes you remind me of a kid who's still learning just how the world works, but still somehow retaining some sort of innocence. I just think that's way cool. I love that about you, cus that's what makes it so easy to talk to you about anything. It's like you don't have a care in the world. I think I may miss you most of all when you leave. Chiu, you are the best worst husband, I'll ever have. =]

...

I'm not even sure what to say except.

Your junior year yearbook entry. 4 pages of amazing.

What happened?


....

F&A

For you, who has always listened, until now..

I really haven't blogged since like Kristel's cotillion which was like a whole summer ago basically, and lots have been going on since then. I don't think I'm the type to keep up with my day to day events, documenting everything. Sometimes I try thinking of the future so I document the present so I can look at the past later. Like when I steal cameras or use my clunky one to record all our little weird moments. What I wouldn't give to see just one lunch period freshman year, when we were all so different. When school was different. When it seemed like everything was too complicated, and we couldn't wait for the next part, the better part. It's really cruel how we don't realize how good we have it until it's gone. Through all the definite scarring heartache, Junior year could possibly constitute the best year of my life. If I'm being dramatic. Haha. But seriously, there have been so many times this year that I wish I could go back and stay there forever. But like I'm learning in econ, although I've already learned this at Logan -.- scarcity means, that too much of a good thing means less of another. So I guess Senior year should be my favorite, and I guess it kinda was, I made so many memories that I'll never forget. And truly, has made me realize what I had, what I have. And how to work hard to keep it. So back to the idea of scarcity, I realize that yeahh I really do miss the good old days. PYTJ and all that, and it really does bum me out how that's pretty much disintegrated. That's actually who this blog is for, one letter in particular. But I know I wasn't close with the girls last year. I mean me and Ghemie have always been friends more on than off I'd like to think; at least in high school. But kristel and mon, just kinda sorta, in the "hey they're the other girls in the group, but I always hang out with the guys cus girls cause drama kind of way" haha. No offense. Now us 4 have really gotten close, and I can see us being friends for a lifetime. Or at least 'til we hit our 30's ;] haha. So I guess it's all about opportunity cost. What is my next best alternative that I'm giving up at the benefit of being close to the girls? I guess the boys. Which really sucks, but it seems to me that when the guys all got their girls, they chose them as the benefit, and I'm just the next alternative. I'm sure I wasn't around really at the beginning of my relationship, and I kinda couldn't help it? I mean I was making conscious choices but I really didn't realize just how much damage I was doing to us. I didn't realize there was more I could do to balance. I'm really sorry guys. I shouldn't have put you guys on the back burners like that. But no offense, at least I left you on the stove, ya know. I mean I'm really happy for you guys and your relationships etc, but where does that leave me? I mean I know I can't be the center of your universe, but can I at least be a little satellite or something? Like all my analogies and stuff? Don't I sound all college-y? See I can blog about college without actually doing it; multitasking woot.

But back to the main point of the blog that I guess I never really got to yet. I really miss you guys. And I guess I've been too consumed in my own life and stuff to really appreciate you guys for being in my life. I keep feeling like it's too late, but really time can change things. If all of a sudden we were all dropped on an island together forever things would be different. But unfortunately.. Justin, you're going to cal poly. Terry you're with me, but you're not.. And Yuk, I don't even know where you are. I just decided I wanna say a little something to everyone, but that's for another day, cus I don't wanna make this entry ridiculous long and I wanna make sure I say something to each of them before they leave. But for this one...

For you who has always been there (even when I didn't want you to be) but now you haven't been here in forever:

I miss you. I always tell you I don't, but that's only cus you've dropped off my radar. I don't remember who you are anymore. You were already a different person before you met her, before you changed into someone I was angry at. Angry for not being who I knew you to be, and more for not saying goodbye. Still, I'm not angry at you anymore. I don't know why, I guess too much time has passed for me to care. Still, I do care about you, and I know I do cus when I see you I think about what the conversation would be like if we actually talked about everything we didn't talk about. I never gave you one of those I can't believe you did this kind of speeches. I don't know why. I guess cus.. I think you already knew what I thought, cus you know me so well. Even today.

For you who has changed my life forever; being the true definition of my opposite, yet still completing me in some ways, somehow:

I hate you sometimes. Like most of the time really. Cus I can't figure out what this thing I feel for you is. It's something. Either I cut you out of my life and I feel grounded and I can breathe. But I feel bad, because you're not there anymore. But when you come back into my life, you make me feel terrible. I feel like nothing. So why do I still go back to you? I don't know really. Some weird cosmic magnet drawing me to you? I bet you'd like that. Gosh you're an idiot. Still.. there's something. And at times it has given me doubt. Doubt about my choices and doubt about myself. A part of me will always wish for something, not sure exactly what it is. But I really do believe that things are better this way, cus I like to breathe. And we're both content in life. So really what more is there to ask for? You're the yang to my yin; I feel like I need you, but we can't be one. I swear you ruin my life some days. [Sorry this was supposed to come out nicer, I'll make you a nice one next time. I guess I needed to get this out]

&& Finally, for my best friend; for you who has always listened, and more importantly always been the best friend I needed, but never the one I deserved:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you like you were for me. I'm sorry that I wasn't selfless like you were to me. I'm sorry that I can't be selfless now, when you need me to be. I'm sorry that beyond all my smarts and understanding, I can't seem to let this go. And I'm sorry that I'm holding on to this idea of a "best friend" when we're not. And one more thing, I'm sorry I couldn't love you in the way you deserved for all that you gave me. You were so my best friend, without me asking you to be. I never realized until now. Since the day we met, you've given me nothing but absolutely anything I wanted. I've been spoiled to say the least. If I had met anyone else the way I met you, guaranteed we would not still be friends today. Freshman year, I went through the biggest immature crisis ever when someone I had to deal with pushing away someone I was so close to. You were there for me, but I can't even think of a time I was there for you. After that experience I told you not to fall for me, just like from pretty much your favorite movie. And you sorta did anyways, and I'm sorry that I didn' t handle that better. I learned from my experience with Yuk, but I think I messed you up in a different way. I made you stick around like that for the longest time, and never gave you the space you needed for closure. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Especially about junior year, when I got so close to Justin that you sort of just faded out of the picture. You never complained, and what's even worse, neither did I. I should have. Senior year, you were just there. The sad thing is, you were there all year. And I didn't really see you there, acknowledge you being there, even realize it. Anyways.. I'm so sorry that I've done all this to you, and that now that I realize, I can't deal with you not being there. The idea of us not being the way we were, drives me crazy. And it hurts so much everytime I tell you these things, and you pretty much say nothing. I guess that's how you are, but I want more. I want before. I'm selfish and I want my best friend back, and this time I actually want it to be reciprocal. I've done a lot of thinking lately, and maybe the best friend you need right now needs to step away and let you be. I mean that's what you did for me right. I just don't know if I'm as strong as you. I dont know what I would do really if the guy I was in love with started dating my best friend. Anyways. I'm just really sorry for everything, and making your life harder. But honestly, I've been trying. I don't know how hard, but I have.. if I really wanted to be your best friend I would put you first right? I don't know.. I want to be selfless, but I don't know if I can. I try for a while, and then I get so angry that you don't even care. I mean I bxtch and bxtch and cry at random points in my day just to get out some of my frustration. I say something to you and I get butterflies in my stomach like I'm talking to a stranger who's about to tell me to go fxck off. I try and act lighthearted and all you do is bring me down with you're "uhm.. no it's okays" and you're "idks". I mean it really hurts me that you don't care at all. Maybe you do, but would it kill you to give me something? I know I'm asking too much, for you to do something that you don't, but could you try? I know I don't deserve it, but I've run out of things to do. I just don't want to lose you or let you go without a fight like I did with the afforementioned. I know it's a possibility that that's what I should do. But I don't want to right now. Not when I know what I know now. Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it. I'll bxtch and cry about it for a while, but I'll know that's what you want. If it'd be better for me to walk away, then I will, it'll hurt, but if it's what you need me to do right now; it's my turn to do right by you. What I really want, is to go back to when I could count on you, when I could turn to you without being judged, when I could suggest something, and we'd just do it; it'd be accpeted. When there was no convincing, or whining, or rejections. When I could be me. & I want you to be able to do the same. This is what I want more than anything, to have you care again and just be you. The you who didn't reject me so hard. Idunno. I'm rambling really. So what do you want?


F&A Em.