Life goes on.

Success! Paolo's surprise party went as well as it possibly could considering I am the one who planned it, haha. I haven't had such a good record with past planning.. anything. But good thing I started terry and paolo's like 2 months ago almost. But yeah, all goood. I miss the davis kids already &&&&& the cal poly kids of course, and jessica-essica too. And if I'm being totally honest, I semi-miss kristel. But she's here, and I'll see her at least once a week. I guess I'm just getting used to the idea that logan's not coming back into session; we're not all gonna meet up in the caf or in the 200's or even in the hallways anymore. All I have is the image of them in my head, the photos on facebook, and the occasional webcam session. But school's got me so exhausted mostly cus I'm starting to lose interest already, plus yoga, whatever other things I'm planning/ doing, and now I don't get to sleep in on saturdays cus I have dictation work, =[ boo. I miss sleep. I'm starting to get headaches from lack of it, that makes me nervous. Anyways, let's see what else is going on... I haven't started writing my dreams down yet cus I haven't figured out where to write them; but I should soon, cus my dreams are getting crazier. There's peace in my life, but I feel drama creeping up around the corner. I vent in small bursts, on here, and to close friends, but it's still there. Finding the right moment to strike. I just have these small little things in my head, little thoughts, and I feel terrible for thinking them, but they bother me. At least I'm not the only one, but still, I just wish I could move past it. I wish he would stop being such a hypocrit if he's gonna cut me out of his life, but whatever. Fine. Don't give a shxt about me, just please don't pretend it's because of her. To be honest, I'm not even mad at her, I'm mad at you. Cus I realize, this isn't her fault at all. You let this happen, and what's worse, you didn't even change for the better, you only changed how you are with me. But now you're not better for her, or for me. You're just a hypocrit who cut me out to please someone else, but really, it's only a matter of time before she discovers who you really are. And if you really took stock in your life, you'd see that I'm telling you the truth and you're just in denial, and you're hiding things from her that you shouldn't. Hiding things that have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. I honestly can't believe this is who you are, who you want to be. It makes me really sad to fight for you; but I'm done. It's over, if this is how you want it to be, then that's how it will be. I don't need you to feel like I have someone. You're just another one of them. Another one to burn me and run; you can go in the corner with the rest of them, cus I don't need you. If you don't care how I feel, if you don't care about me, then I dont want to care about you. And I may not be able to get what I want from you, but I'll damn sure get what I want from me. I have more important people to take care of.

On a more positive note..

Things have been looking up lately. Things aren't necessarily better or worse, but they just are. And that's how life is. This whole year I sort of accepted how things would be, that distance would put a strain on a lot of my friendships, but the important ones I would try to keep in contact with. I've been really bummed as you can see from previous blogs about people leaving, and just in general about how my friendships have been going. I guess I always tell myself, with the loss of one friend comes a better-ance? of another. Haha. But now I've sort of fallen into this routine of school, and it's already been a month. Plus some friends have already moved away, and I find that my world isn't crashing to the floor. I'm okay.

I think the best way to put it is what I "learned" in astronomy today, Newton's 3rd law of motion; "With every action, there is a an equal and opposite reaction". So while it may get harder to keep in touch with those I've grown close to over the past four years, the ones that are still here, are still here. And at this point in time, I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure I reminisce on the good ol' days when it seems now that I had everything going for me, but in truth I know there were bad times back then too. I am truly grateful and happy that I'm so close with the girls now. I never laugh harder in my life. If I was super old, I'd say they make me feel young again :] But seriously, I'm not gonna call it a trade, it just is what it is. And my friends are my friends, some "forever" because that's just how we fit; you can't force it. The others are for the time being, and that's just how it's going to be. And it's okay. No more overanalyzing, and no more what ifs. Just live right now, cus no matter what, what's done is done, and all you can do is move forward. Forward doesn't mean away, but you have to move. Quit sitting there waiting for change to happen and live your life.

I really believe the goal for happiness is just that, a goal. That will never be reached, because happiness is just a flickering moment that you have to capture before it flies by. But if you don't even reach out your hand, you'll never seize it. You have to fight for it, be vulnerable and go after what you want, even if it's only for a little while. Cus that's what makes going through all this other crap worth while. Being happy, just for a while. And then it's back to the crap, just so you know what's waiting for you if you ever get there again. And you will.

I always feel like I'm rambling, and suddenly I get caught in this web of words, on this wave of emotions I didn't really know I felt. But at the time, it makes sense to me. And maybe all my sentences, and paragraphs don't go together in a neat little package, but it makes sense to me. So here comes some random "what I did today stuff" even though it changes the complete mood of the blog; I did say "on a more positive note"...

So, I've been having really weird dreams all summer. And I think I'm going to start writing them down in a journal, just so I can look back and be like wtf? And yeah, I think it's a good idea :] My most recent dream included an upstairs trader joe's kinda thing where you had to hold onto a swirling ladder for hella flights just to get to the top. I'll put more details into my journal :D But yeah. Oh yeah, so at school, Terry made fun of me for the first time! Cus we got swooped on a table in the morning, so at lunch I speedily walked to a table, but passed an empty one I guess, and Terry was like Em? And I was like whoops. And then he was like "Did you see that weird girl fast walking?" And I was like OMG you made fun of me! And then I hit him :] It was funny. I was suprised yet proud at the same time. And on bart on the way home, there was feather head man! He was dressed in hella ponchos with facepaint on his.. face -.- Haha and a feather in his teeny pony tail, surrounded by baldness. And he had a huge stomach, I think he was hiding and eagle in there! Monica disagrees =[ But yeah, and on the way home from yoga today, there must've been something weird in our milk teas, cus we [especially me] were very super hyper. Apparently Ghemie sneaked us some of her "good shxt" from Berkeley. Haha. But yeah, there goes my first "What did Em do today" Post, ahah. I hope you enjoyed it, although I cut a lot out, and shortened it to the gist of the funny parts. Maybe I'll do better next time. Time for econ hmwk, goodnite world!


F&A

Em