Babysteps.

Complete my Oasis thing for school cus I was supposed to do that over break
Start on my "college years" scrapbook
Don't chicken out on driving
Pass my test
Clean my room
Do yoga again, more regularly
Return a bunch of stuff
Cut my hair
Stop having weird dreams that I can't remember anyway
I want new sheets
Think about what I need for school next year
Figure out what classes I should take next year
Take chinese [over the summer] and learn it!
Stop shopping so if I really do go to Taiwan, I can buy things ;]
Go back to Taiwan
Cook more often
FIND/ BUY BANANAGRAMS
Hang up pictures
Buy more photo collage frames
Frame puzzles
Hrm.. find other life goals and longtime hobbies that can be productive

2010.

So I realize that I completely skipped Christmas, and even though I have about half more of my break, I feel like it's approaching fast. I feel unprepared, yet I can't wait; I'm dreading it, yet I'm so bored. I also bought enough school supplies to last me my life, although I should probably get some pens and pencils cus I have no idea where I put them; damn it. So I'm wondering when this new year is gonna get good. Cus so far, I've just been really sick feeling, and I hate it. I was hoping that'd be the one thing I'd avoid since I went to the hospital for the first time last year a few days after my birthday. We'll see 300 something more days to go. My breaks been okay, I still hate thinking about the days where I've accomplished nothing, but some days I just can't find the energy to move. Right now, the idea of moving hurts; I am not feeling good right now. But I am thinking. I didn't even consider the idea of a resolution, but maybe I'll just make a list. A list of things I want to accomplish and need to accomplish, and instead of my normal lists like these, I'll include the things I'm afraid of taking on, or don't want to do. I'll include small things too just cus I haven't made one of these in a while, so I haven't done much this break.

2010:

Complete my Oasis thing for school cus I was supposed to do that over break
Start on my "college years" scrapbook
Don't chicken out on driving
Pass my test
Clean my room
Do yoga again, more regularly
Return a bunch of stuff
Cut my hair
Stop having weird dreams that I can't remember anyway
I want new sheets
Think about what I need for school next year
Figure out what classes I should take next year
Take chinese [over the summer] and learn it!
Stop shopping so if I really do go to Taiwan, I can buy things ;]
Go back to Taiwan
Cook more often
FIND/ BUY BANANAGRAMS
Hang up pictures
Buy more photo collage frames
Frame puzzles
Hrm.. find other life goals and longtime hobbies that can be productive

Alright, that's all I got for now, it's a pretty lame list but I can't think of anything really crazy or fun that I can accomplish in a year right now. I'll think about it more later. Anyways, the point of this post was that I was just thinking about younger kids these days. They seem so old, and I wonder if we seemed that way just a few years ago. I read what they post on facebook and I think, were we like that? In some ways I say yes, and still for some reason, mostly because I don't think I've changed and matured all of a sudden, that we weren't that bad? Not to say that they're out of control, but I dunno. And were we that consumed by the internet? We still are now, but FML and youtube vids and facebook, has become such a staple in like the middle schools, it's like to be away from that for a week would be death. I'm not saying we're much better, but I didn't die when I didn't have a laptop, I just watched a lot of television. I wonder if the world has to end in two years cus we've just gone off the map. But in any case, whether we were like that, better or worse, I still find myself to have been pretty lame. And I don't even want to read what I posted on this blog a few months ago, let alone read old blogs from my xanga years ago. Is it just me? I just want to know, is there ever going to be a point in my life where I'm not gonna look back and go, wow I was so stupid. Because I'm pretty sure by the time I'm middle-aged and thinking back to my youth, I'll think "I used to think I was having epiphanies about life, hah. Stupid." Even a few years from now, I'll think back to me now and say man I had a lot of lame drama. It's weird and kinda sad that I will never live up to future me's expectations. Mmm.. I dunno. I'm tired now. Goodnight.

Thanksgiving.

Okay, so instead of repeating my insane family filled week a million times, I'm just going to blog it out. Haha.

To backtrack, it's not only Thanksgiving, but my Great grandma's 90th birthday, so that's why this year was such a big deal. I mean last year, I ate taco bell in my room by myself last thanksgiving, which was actually pretty nice. Anyways but for this year, everyone on my mom's side came into town, and I mean everyoneeeeeeeee.

The past couple weeks, people have been coming into town and staying at my house, mostly the people who live in Taiwan, so since last weekend, my room has no longer been mine :[ My aunt nicole and my uncle david are in my room, my great aunt is in my brothers room, my great uncle was on a mattress in my living room, and my uncle, his wife & their 9 month old baby Howie were in the bonus room. Now Howie and his parents are at a hotel and I've upgraded to the mattress in the living room rather the couch in the family room. In any case however, I have no room, so I am awoken at the crack of dawn by old folks coming out of their rooms being very loud (especially my grandmother) to eat breakfast and such. I get no sleep, and I keep trying to just lie and close my eyes for a few more hours before having to get up and quickly move my stuff and mattress all out of the way so no ones knows I sleep here and our house is a mess. Sigh, the life of the dutiful granddaugther.

Things didn't really start happening, 'til wednesday when more family came into town. That night, the house was full, and at about 7 my grandma decides she wants fruit for everyone. So a few of us run over to costco and get the one unbroken watermelon that was there, 4 baby melons, a honeydew, 2 canteloupe, and a pineapple? Yeah idk, we just bought random fruit. This is just the beginning of the packed fridge.

Thursday was great grandma's birthday, and thanksgiving! yayyyyyy.
We had big trays of chinese food for lunch, plus a turkey. By the time we finished, there wasn't even a dent in it. We have serious leftovers. Part 2 of packed fridge. Then we got all dressed up to go to dinner... at some hole in the wall restaurant that was no good! And we were still full from lunch anyways. Part 3 of packed fridge.

Friday, we woke up to go around 9ish to Oakland, so we could take family pictures. We had to wait the longest time, and it was such a struggle with 5 kids ranging 2months to 7yrs. Especially Logan, he did not want to sit still. We had to bribe him with m&m's. Then we picked up mcdonald's on the way home, cus I already know I'm eating chinese food for the next week. Then we hung out at home for a bit, and then the cake came. OHMYGOSH. A full sheet, was A FULL SHEET. That thing weighed like 20 pounds. It feeds 70-80 people. Miscommunication. So yeah, part 4 of packed fridge. We had so much cake. Then after all my aunts and uncles saw the birthday video paolo made me and he stopped by so I introduced him, I went shopping for a couple hours before dinner, AGAIN. I got a big soft nemo, and a big tigger for my unborn baby cousin who will be born year of the tiger. Yay for black friday sales. I got home just in time to leave for dinner, and then we went to grand tapei in hayward for MORE chinese food. But we didn't order as much. This time it was for my great uncle bob's birthday. So yeah. A lot more details, a lot of family and hanging out that I could type, but I'm not justin and this was too much for me as it was. Oh yeah, and I keep hearing chinese in my head, maybe them all being around isn't too bad. OMG and i just had to mention i listened/ watched the ABC song both regular, in phonic, and asl versions on youtube like a bajillion times, cus my baby cousin logan who's obessesed with ABC's insisted on watching it. And I just couldn't deny that little cutie!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

F & A, Em.

P.S. I cannot wait to see MS. JESSICA ANNE CHOY! i MISSED HER SOOOO MUCH!

Life's Little Moments

I don't know exactly what triggers it. The sudden impulse and inspiration I have to blog. I don't ever really feel like saying nothing; but I'm not sure if I ever really have anything to say. I don't feel like I do once the words leave my mouth. Or the letters leave the keyboard. But yeaah, I'm unsure of a lot of things. I kinda think now it might be healthy to blog. I feel like it makes me think; like really think about what I want to say about my life, and myself. I don't wanna spend my whole present recounting the past, so I really just type what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. Life's been okay so far I guess, as good as it has been in a while. School's just blahh, but I have to buckle down for midterms. Clearly you can see how that's working right now x[ Haha. Sighh. But yeaah; I'm happy that all the birthdays and anniversary's are over, cus planning Paolo and Terry's last month were soooo stressful and time consuming. And bank breaking x[ But it was worth it to give them really great memories. Chrissy's birthday was this week, and we had fun going to dinner and having co-ed game night; so even though it wasn't anything elaborate, I think he still had a great birthday, so I'm glad. Still, there's ghemie's birthday next week, and then Halloween the week after that. But she's got her bday all planned out already, so there's just Halloween to deal with. Ahh. It sooo doesn't even feel like October. College makes it feel like life is just everlasting singular days that continue and continue. Nothing special; nothing different. Hrmm.. this weeks been interesting. I have mixed feelings about something big that's happened, and I dunno. I'll keep that to myself.

So this weekend... :]

We had girls & guys' game night! Whooo first ever. We played apples to apples and that game is SOOO Biased! It sucked. Haha; but still sooo hilarious. Maybe next week we should play monopoly. Cus strip 13 wasn't fun either. Haha. Still, we always have fun together no matter what we're doing. After all, we were at Ghemie's 'til like 11 something; got home right before midnight. Whooo, funtimes as always. Can you imagine if we all lived together in the city? Crazy fun 24/7! It'd get so annoying. x[ Hahahha. Then Kristel slept over again and after watching SYTYCD, we fell asleep. &&& Woke up to go to the mall @ 11 the next day.Chrissy, Me, Kristel, Ghemie & Arnold went to Valley Fair before dropping Kristel back @ SC, and Arnold bought jeans. He wants me to mention that; and that I picked them out. Idk Anywaysss... I am thankful that every week, as jam packed and stressful as they are, there's never a dull moment with my friends. You guys are stupid and exhausting, but it's so much fun just driving around laughing with you guys. & Kristel, we miss you at SC...sometimes. & we feel bad for leaving you there alone with all the white people O.o Alright, goodnight blogspot.

F&A Em.

Life goes on.

Success! Paolo's surprise party went as well as it possibly could considering I am the one who planned it, haha. I haven't had such a good record with past planning.. anything. But good thing I started terry and paolo's like 2 months ago almost. But yeah, all goood. I miss the davis kids already &&&&& the cal poly kids of course, and jessica-essica too. And if I'm being totally honest, I semi-miss kristel. But she's here, and I'll see her at least once a week. I guess I'm just getting used to the idea that logan's not coming back into session; we're not all gonna meet up in the caf or in the 200's or even in the hallways anymore. All I have is the image of them in my head, the photos on facebook, and the occasional webcam session. But school's got me so exhausted mostly cus I'm starting to lose interest already, plus yoga, whatever other things I'm planning/ doing, and now I don't get to sleep in on saturdays cus I have dictation work, =[ boo. I miss sleep. I'm starting to get headaches from lack of it, that makes me nervous. Anyways, let's see what else is going on... I haven't started writing my dreams down yet cus I haven't figured out where to write them; but I should soon, cus my dreams are getting crazier. There's peace in my life, but I feel drama creeping up around the corner. I vent in small bursts, on here, and to close friends, but it's still there. Finding the right moment to strike. I just have these small little things in my head, little thoughts, and I feel terrible for thinking them, but they bother me. At least I'm not the only one, but still, I just wish I could move past it. I wish he would stop being such a hypocrit if he's gonna cut me out of his life, but whatever. Fine. Don't give a shxt about me, just please don't pretend it's because of her. To be honest, I'm not even mad at her, I'm mad at you. Cus I realize, this isn't her fault at all. You let this happen, and what's worse, you didn't even change for the better, you only changed how you are with me. But now you're not better for her, or for me. You're just a hypocrit who cut me out to please someone else, but really, it's only a matter of time before she discovers who you really are. And if you really took stock in your life, you'd see that I'm telling you the truth and you're just in denial, and you're hiding things from her that you shouldn't. Hiding things that have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. I honestly can't believe this is who you are, who you want to be. It makes me really sad to fight for you; but I'm done. It's over, if this is how you want it to be, then that's how it will be. I don't need you to feel like I have someone. You're just another one of them. Another one to burn me and run; you can go in the corner with the rest of them, cus I don't need you. If you don't care how I feel, if you don't care about me, then I dont want to care about you. And I may not be able to get what I want from you, but I'll damn sure get what I want from me. I have more important people to take care of.

On a more positive note..

Things have been looking up lately. Things aren't necessarily better or worse, but they just are. And that's how life is. This whole year I sort of accepted how things would be, that distance would put a strain on a lot of my friendships, but the important ones I would try to keep in contact with. I've been really bummed as you can see from previous blogs about people leaving, and just in general about how my friendships have been going. I guess I always tell myself, with the loss of one friend comes a better-ance? of another. Haha. But now I've sort of fallen into this routine of school, and it's already been a month. Plus some friends have already moved away, and I find that my world isn't crashing to the floor. I'm okay.

I think the best way to put it is what I "learned" in astronomy today, Newton's 3rd law of motion; "With every action, there is a an equal and opposite reaction". So while it may get harder to keep in touch with those I've grown close to over the past four years, the ones that are still here, are still here. And at this point in time, I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure I reminisce on the good ol' days when it seems now that I had everything going for me, but in truth I know there were bad times back then too. I am truly grateful and happy that I'm so close with the girls now. I never laugh harder in my life. If I was super old, I'd say they make me feel young again :] But seriously, I'm not gonna call it a trade, it just is what it is. And my friends are my friends, some "forever" because that's just how we fit; you can't force it. The others are for the time being, and that's just how it's going to be. And it's okay. No more overanalyzing, and no more what ifs. Just live right now, cus no matter what, what's done is done, and all you can do is move forward. Forward doesn't mean away, but you have to move. Quit sitting there waiting for change to happen and live your life.

I really believe the goal for happiness is just that, a goal. That will never be reached, because happiness is just a flickering moment that you have to capture before it flies by. But if you don't even reach out your hand, you'll never seize it. You have to fight for it, be vulnerable and go after what you want, even if it's only for a little while. Cus that's what makes going through all this other crap worth while. Being happy, just for a while. And then it's back to the crap, just so you know what's waiting for you if you ever get there again. And you will.

I always feel like I'm rambling, and suddenly I get caught in this web of words, on this wave of emotions I didn't really know I felt. But at the time, it makes sense to me. And maybe all my sentences, and paragraphs don't go together in a neat little package, but it makes sense to me. So here comes some random "what I did today stuff" even though it changes the complete mood of the blog; I did say "on a more positive note"...

So, I've been having really weird dreams all summer. And I think I'm going to start writing them down in a journal, just so I can look back and be like wtf? And yeah, I think it's a good idea :] My most recent dream included an upstairs trader joe's kinda thing where you had to hold onto a swirling ladder for hella flights just to get to the top. I'll put more details into my journal :D But yeah. Oh yeah, so at school, Terry made fun of me for the first time! Cus we got swooped on a table in the morning, so at lunch I speedily walked to a table, but passed an empty one I guess, and Terry was like Em? And I was like whoops. And then he was like "Did you see that weird girl fast walking?" And I was like OMG you made fun of me! And then I hit him :] It was funny. I was suprised yet proud at the same time. And on bart on the way home, there was feather head man! He was dressed in hella ponchos with facepaint on his.. face -.- Haha and a feather in his teeny pony tail, surrounded by baldness. And he had a huge stomach, I think he was hiding and eagle in there! Monica disagrees =[ But yeah, and on the way home from yoga today, there must've been something weird in our milk teas, cus we [especially me] were very super hyper. Apparently Ghemie sneaked us some of her "good shxt" from Berkeley. Haha. But yeah, there goes my first "What did Em do today" Post, ahah. I hope you enjoyed it, although I cut a lot out, and shortened it to the gist of the funny parts. Maybe I'll do better next time. Time for econ hmwk, goodnite world!


F&A

Em

The Crew: updated 8/31

For my crew, my best friends, my larger than life family. To each of you who have helped shape me into the person I am today good and bad, I want to say thank you for allowing me some of life's experiences. I'm not sure how many of these I'll get to tonight, but I guess reminiscing made me think of some thing I wanna make sure I say before I forget.

To Gabriel Nguyen: Thank you. I don't give you enough credit, but you were the first to change my life. Back in middle school when I essentially lost my friends, you allowed me into yours. Freshman year, you brought me in, and I feel like out of all the people who have added in after me, I personally felt like the transition was so easy. I have you to thank for that. I never would have had all these wonderful people in my life, if it weren't for you. Who knows who I'd be friends with right now if it wasn't for you? Gabe, you saved me.

To Jessica Anne Choy: You're such an amazing person. Honestly, you inspire me to be better. Because you're not perfect, you have flaws that can lead to downfalls. But it's the way you overcome, the way that you're actually human and not fake, that really inspires me. No one has a bad thing to say about you, because you're selfless. You really do what's best for everyone else first, and you take hits in stride. You entrusted me with your faults and fears, and I just feel so blessed to have you in my life. Jess, you're my hero.

To Ryan-James Javier: You're a lover and a fighter. That's you. You love and you spread joy with your smile and your laugh. You truly care, sometimes too much. I always feel so much happiness just being in your presence. && you're a blackbelt! Wow. Haha. And like that and everything you do, you work hard. I admire your perseverance and your determination in being better. I'll always miss your warm smiles, and warm hugs. Ryan, you warm my heart.

To Lincy L Han: You're so true. You're honest about who you are, and don't hide it. Maybe for a while, but you still let it out eventually. I used to wonder what you were really like, behind all the sweetness. And I've come to find over the past 4 years, that behind the sweetness, is just more love. You give so much to make everyone else happy, but you truly do it because you want to. I'm am so, so happy to have you in my life. Lincy, you are so beautiful, inside and out.

To Aniq Masood: You've been such a wonderful friend, and I'm so glad these past years have brought us closer. The time away from the bigger half of the group during our lunch period, allowed me the time to get to know you better. I will always treasure that. That and the time we struggled through physics and english. Haha. You're always there to help out. Your silly and entertaining, but still respectful and cool. Aniq, you are the ultimate unique combination of sophisticated and cool.

To Amy May Tran: You are so entertainingly strange, in a hilarious sort of way. When we get the full Amy effect, I always know we're in for a good time. Since 2nd grade, we've had interesting memories to say the least. From your guinea pig biting my finger, to "crazy fun" girl time, you're always a blast. But what I'll remember most about you, is how you care so much about your friends. So much so, that you actually empathize with them and get emotional with them. I won't go so far as to say I envy that, cus my eyeliner would run a LOT. Haha, but I do feel very priveleged to know that myself, and the entire group has someone so wonderful always looking out for them. Amy, you make me feel like in the worst of times, I have someone who will care about me.

To Justin Lacsamana Penalosa: I will never forget you. You have definitely left your mark in the 4 years of my life. You've made me laugh, and you've made me cry, in every sense of the word. I've gone from being hated by you, to being best friends with you, to falling for you, to hating you, and back again. But if at some point in the past few years I didn't have some kind of strong feeling towards you, then it's probably cus I wasn't speaking to you. You always leave me feeling something. Justin, you have changed my life.

To Chiu Ho "Alex" Chan: You're such a puzzle to me. The way you handle situations and let things just roll right off your back, I totally wish I could do that. Never holding any hateful grudges, or allowing feelings to affect how I live my life. You just seem so at calm with your life. Sometimes you remind me of a kid who's still learning just how the world works, but still somehow retaining some sort of innocence. I just think that's way cool. I love that about you, cus that's what makes it so easy to talk to you about anything. It's like you don't have a care in the world. I think I may miss you most of all when you leave. Chiu, you are the best worst husband, I'll ever have. =]